just because

have you ever thought that all these while in your whole life, you have lived it the way, people want you to?

no.

i dont think any 18 year old feel that way. but i am certainly one of them. i just have this poison in me that i would like to live up to people's expectation.

you know how i feel sometimes?

when people are proud that i did things that way, achieve an achievement that they really want me to have, they all will be celebrating with joy, and yet, i feel so empty inside sometimes. the smile on my face is simply plastered there, because is meant to be there, not because i do feel that way inside.

i dont know how long more i can take this. but i am certainly putting a fullstop to this. this is going to be my new year resolution for 2010. i had enough, seriously, pleasing everyone but myself. in the end, do they know how empty i am on the inside? or how much hard work i put in, into achieving something that i dont really want?

and as for university application. i thought of it for a long time. & i think is really time to fight for myself. i am not going to let this go on. about how much expectation you, them, they all have on me. is all about myself. i am sorry if you think i did not play my part well, at least i knew myself that i tried my very best.

& if you know me, and if you ever do care, i hope you would understand and support me.

i don't know how much i really do have to fight to get this through, but i certainly will. i am old enough to make my own decisions.

& for those outside there that i treated with a sincere heart, you know who you are.

sometimes just because i dont say it,
it doesnt mean i am not feeling it,
sometimes just because i keep quiet,
it doesnt mean i agree, is just that i'm tired of the pointless argument,
sometimes when i agree with you,
it doesnt mean i truly support your decision, is just that i respect your personal opinion.
& when i dont cry,
it doesnt mean i am not upset.
simply because i dont wanna show you how weak i am inside.

& has anyone of you wondered so badly, why do those that claimed that they love you the most, and know you the best that will always end up putting you in a hard situation? is love supposed to be this way? i thought is supposed to be magical, something to keep you smiling when you've gone through a rough day.

tough luck

yesterday can be considered as the worst day of my life in 2009. really tough luck. for those people outside there complaining about everything not going their way, try comparing yours with mine.

it all began with me wanting to remove my nail extension that i did in bangkok. why? because my nails grew and it looks ugly with the nail extension sticking out and my real nail showing. yes, i am fussy.

so where did i go to have it remove? i went to the shop next to watson in 1u. why did i go there instead of all the other shops in 1u? because during prom, i went there to do pedicure and manicure for that event, and i found that their service is good and is nice furthermore, the service is not bad also.

then the horror begins when i told this fat lady, i am not being mean, i am just telling the truth that i would like to have my nail extensions removed. it all begin well. then she started to get impatient because the nail extension doesnt soften up even with soaking it with nail polish remover. then she had to buff it. and she grew more impatient, she just continuously buff it without caring if my finger nail is too thin.

then my pinky, started bleeding, and she didnt care, she just continued and i was restraining myself from yelling at her. & you know what? now my pinky is so painful, it feels as though is stuck between the door. you know the sharp feeling.

she is freaking muka tembok also. before everything started, she told me that is RM5 to remove it, per finger. so i am fine with it, since either way, i had to have it removed. so i am willing to pay RM50. and after hurting me, she still stood up and told me that i am supposed to pay RM50.

and she buffed till my nails are filled with scratches, yes, and now my nails are so ugly. i swear i am never going back there again. not even to do manicure. and, she even told me, is normal for the finger to bleed to have it removed. BULLSHIT. i can freaking see from her working attitude that she is impatient and hell knows where she is rushing too. perhaps is time for lunch and she's so hungry.

so, if you people are dropping by at that shop, remember not to let KELLY do your nails. or else, you'll end up like me.

and that's not enough for the day.

guess what happened after that. my contact lens broke into 2 pieces when i was trying to get them out yesterday. EVEN TOUGHER LUCK. & no, i wasnt freaking out.

what happened was that i was actually wearing daily lenses and guess what? i tried taking it out, it couldnt come off, so i pinch the lens and who knows, it break into 2 pieces. i tried looking around for it, by rotating my eyeball, and tough luck, i couldnt see it.

and i knew it was still inside because i feel it.

& i am so thankful that auntie kim wasnt overseas at this period of time. i called her and good thing that she's just next door talking to my auntie. i went over with saline and all and she tried helping me get it out. tough luck, she couldnt find it too. and we all suspected that it was stuck up in the lid. that's how exactly i felt, something was stuck in the lid.

she called her collegue and told him that we are going over to his place so that he can help me get it out. so yeah, we went over to his place and within 2 minutes he got it out for me. and i guess, this is what you called customer's right. my mom didnt even have to pay a single cent to get the lens out.

and seriously, i just paid RM50 to that bitch that freaking hurt my pinky. and now, i can barely even drive. because it hurt so badly.

merry christmas you all (:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

& may all of you be blessed with wealth, health and joy (:

this year, been a pretty quiet christmas. i am craving for sushi. anyone up for it? (:

kerana mulut, badan binasa

seriously, is a very good proverb. perfect one to be fitted with those that like provoking others with their words.

you know what, people always say, action speaks louder than words, is true. but i think what makes begins the action is simply words.

sure, is not fun to provoke one. i dont like to be provoked too. & i have got a brilliant sister at home that doesnt think before she talks. you might think she is young, but common, whats coming out from her mouth, is seriously not something that should be spoken by a 8 year old primary school kids.

so who did she provoke? of all people, she provoked the most powerless and most dangerous person. and how did this person manage to be dangerous when she is powerless? my maid. -_-

any sane person would know not to mess with this category of people that came from foreign land to work in your house. they are powerless when you scold them, yet so dangerous when you're always at home with them when your parents are out working.

seriously, thank god, my other sister was at home, when she over heard this conversation. if not, probably, if i was killed tomorrow, i wouldnt know the reason my soul was forced to depart.

so what did she say?

*locks the room door* and apparently, my maid needs to clean the room.
san: DONT FORCE ME TO OPEN THE DOOR.
maid: i need to clean the room.
san: IF YOU FORCE ME TO OPEN THE DOOR, I AM GOING TO MY MOMMY, AND SHE'S GOING TO SCOLD YOU TILL YOU CRY LIKE THE OTHER DAY. ME AND MY JIEJIES DONT LIKE YOU, AND WE'VE BEEN COMPLAINING TO MY MOMMY, THATS WHY SHE IS SCOLDING YOU THESE FEW DAYS.

last few days, when my parents were abroad with the whole family, i didnt go, cause i had to stay home to finish up my biology essays. so obviously, i was home with the maid and one fine morning when i woke up, i saw her walking back from above the streets, hell knows where she went. all i knew was that she came back smiling and was so happy. and hell knows what she did with who up the street.

for obvious reasons i called my mom to inform her. and thank god i was out the whole day and robin temaned me after that. my mom came home after few days and questioned her, and she apparently said that she doesnt like me. yeah, hell knows what happened and whats wrong. i swore i did nothing to her. and my mom actually warned me to keep myself away from the maid.

and now, my youngest sister is making it worse. and i guess, i will always be her first target, since i made her cry -_- if that's supposed to be my fault.

and yes, i did yell at my sister. i mean, if you got nothing else to say, is better to keep quiet. is not funny, as these maids they are a little off the mind. and all those scary and freak accidents. for example, brewing panty soup, or bra soup, i wont want that to happen in my household.

love just is

i am so late for this post. but btw, happy 1 year anniversary. is supposed to be yesterday though. was too caught up with lots of things.

so, that's definately not a very good picture of both of us. but at least is the latest one that is on my laptop.

this year itself, has really been a long year for both of us. filled with up and down, sorrows, tears, laughters and joy. oh well, at least we both are still together and definately grown to know each other better.

love just is, when i am all shattered, you're there to pick me up and put all the pieces back (:

& i fall into pieces easily, i am easily broken though :\

& have fun in taiwan, i hope you like my present. i like your present (:

oh, and yes, i do miss you.

a special day (:

hey. i had a really great outting today with robin. (:

jeng jeng jeng. we went to the gardens. YAY!

i know this is lame, but at least is not 1u or the curve. gotta give credits to robin, who drives me around everytime we want to go out. finding parking was a hassle, and parking fees were quite high too.

common people is only monday, get back to work and dont get yourself hooked onto the mall.

so we went to alexis for lunch. yummmy. their food there quite awesome but the price also very nice :( and i ate beef. eeeeeeks. was supposed to eat their cakes as dessert, and guess what, we got full after the tasty cabonara and we stopped. cause their cake are really hugee (: i love their tiramisu, and one piece is like RM15.

then we went to watch movie. yummmy, premier class (: of course, price also very nice ;x

so what did we watch? we watched AVATAR again :D

the first time we went with the gang. and this time, we went both of us and we watched 3D. totally awesome. go watch avatar people, is worth your money.

then we got downstairs and bought cakes (: robin bought, not me. cause i am actually on a diet plan since he said that my arms are as big as a fat drumstick and is really big :(

then came back to kepong to eat pan mee. i am hungry now. i should stop eating, like seriously.

a series of rambling

hey. is sunday night, and i am trapped at home. so not like me eh?

parents and sisters are overseas. i am left alone at home with the maid and the car does no good. i have no where to go, no one to go out with and nothing to do at home.

family is over in singapore having fun. and what the hell am i doing here stuck at this miserable situation? i had to stay back to start my assignments. yeah, when they are home, it'll be too noisy or i'll get distracted.

so what have i done today? finally, i finished up on my exotic endangered species. phewww. and guess what i finished 2 of the essays too. i still have 2 more to go. this sucks you know. i wanna go out, or more like i want a company. i am tired and sick of being at home the whole day alone and the 4 walls probably.

maybe i should be doing the other 2 essays. maybe? but i am too bored to get it started.

i seriously need to find something to occupy my mind, my mind is wandering and is not going to somewhere good. thats what happened everytime i am alone and i have nothing to do.

i killed sometime trying to download 700 songs that were on my iPod that i once lost during a time where i gotta get my computer reformatted. but to no avail, limewire refused to work for some reasons, i only managed to download like 78 songs? 10% of the total i have. or most probably because i filtered quite alot, there were quite many that i dont listen to.

& guess what? out of the 700 songs, i think about 500 of them are sad songs. yeah, i know, so sad right? haih. i think i better start thinking what i should do tonight. is only 1956, and i am like rambling.