it's just all in the head

yes, is just all an illusion.

i got to believe is fake & it'll go away & it wont be disturbing me anymore.

is just all the little things in the head that makes me feel so weird :|

seriously, if someone you used to love in the past, wants to re-enter your life, would you let him/her walk pass and replace your current special one in life when they used to be past tense? :\

without you, i am seeing myself so differently

some matters is not that i am not capable of not doing it, but is relying on the matter whether do i want to do it or not.

it amuses me when i sat in class today & thought, maybe if i dont take the initiative to change, in 10 years time, i will just be a clone of her, someone i dont want to be.

& yes, i am determined to start changing & maybe start changing the way i interpret things.

sometimes it amuses me, how much people want to know the truth about themselves, and when they found out about it, & they cannot accept it, they will hold grudges against you.

whats the point asking in the first place then?

not them, is me

ever felt like the whole world is hurting you?

& the actual fact is that you are hurting yourself.

how do you let others love you when you refuse to open up? iono.

parts of me

i have a secret to give away again tonight.

despite being 19 year old. i still wish someone would buy a red helium balloon like the one up there :D or maybe not, maybe just a round one that's really really red, passionate red with a smiley face like that :D printed on it will make me happy.

thinking back of my childhood, i never really did had a helium balloon before. you know like holding it, walking in the part & running around with it tied to my wrist. i guess at that time it wasn't the in thing among kids. or probably they are too expensive that my parents don't want to get them for me ;( or maybe technology isn't that advance to put helium gas into tiny balloon and make kids like me happy :D

or maybe you decided that you would love to show me more love, i wouldnt mind you getting me green and yellow ones too :D i think this is already ridiculous enough, imagine having to say this when i am 20 or 21 :( i think people will laugh at me.

my mozilla is very stubborn. i am really having a hard time to load stuff here using mozilla, especially my facebook and my youtube. & i am starting to like google chrome ^^V is just that i dont know how to move my pictures around while typing the post. & that's why i am still stuck in mozilla trying to blog this entry & make it pweeetee :D

why so many post suddenly?

got bored of studying, couldnt watch tv. i get myself hooked on the television for hours sometimes. trying to refrain myself from watching tv. & i got bored studying ionic equilibria, and hopefully i can do the test tomorrow. i swore that i am not going to be a chemist, & my stand still remains firm. :\

i dread to study biology :( soon i will have to force myself to read that big stack of electrophoresis notes & genetic screening with genetic fingerprinting. these chapter never seem to amuse me; never thought of getting into forensic science or dna analysis :\

i thought i got a big dreams, but i dont think so. i dont think i am so ambitious to dream to work in a sophiscated kind of job that make people go OOOOO.

maths. i dont know when i am going to start. but it better be quick. pure maths 2 and 3 is inferior. it will crush me into pieces when trials start. not good :| i want an A for my maths.

freedom here i come;
so glad a levels ending soon.
& what makes things worse is i am celebrating my 19th birthday paper with cie :(
& robin doesnt want to get me a present :(:(

giving all my secret away

this is going to be a huge post for me. i am actually blogging about something totally personal here. eeps.

i think, i think, i am in a very ill state of mind.

no. i am not going to start running towards robin with a knife and stab him in the heart, nor am i going to bitchslap you in front of lecture class.

what i really meant about being sick in the head is like; i am wayyy to sensitive.

i swear i was not like this before this time. i get upset always; angry and frustrated easily; crying alot too. & i always feel insecure. like daddy & mommy dont sayang me anymore; robin might just get bored of me too.

you know, that kind of feeling. it kinda sucks, is like i have so much in my head, i dont know how to tell people without them thinking that i am just making this up. this is why i am blogging it out here. & i think the condition is going to get critical soon. i need help! like serious help before i end up somewhere in a mental health institution.

i always blame people; how come you dont understand? how come you cant make me happy?

as a matter of fact; i dont really understand myself that well, i dont know what i want, i cant make myself happy also.

i used to be happy and carefree about things. and now, is just direct the opposite. sometimes i feel so trapped with all this things to do, but every night before going to bed, it never fails me, i always ask myself, am i happy?

and everytime the answer will be NO!

i know, so pathetic. but what to do? yours truly here, is emo always.

jealousy is another thing eating me up. people says hatred eats you up, but for me is jealousy. not only the girlfriend-boyfriend kind of jealous. i get jealous on any other occasion. scary much?

after reading this post, you might want to rethink whether do you still want to be friends with me. i really appreciate those who stood by & tried to understand. but i think i was a pain in the ass. & i still will be till maybe one day when i found the secret to unlock this whole cycle.

for me, i think is somehow a heart sort of thing. cannot be cured by drugs. maybe is caused by all the suppressed feelings i kept inside my heart for a long long time. used to grow up with some problems from friends, being unhappy with results, but never gotten used to telling mommy about it, because all mommy tells me is; be patience it will all go away.

after years and years of enduring, it might seem like a part and parcel of life, although superficially is like; yeah, whatever i dont give a damn. but sometimes, when the thing is huge enough to break thru that thick ignorance shell, it still will hurt me on the inside.

& seriously, i hope when university starts, i'll have overcomed this. i wasted my whole college life being upset over this ill state of mind thing. my heart is painful,my tears never dried up from all the crying, my head never stopped hurting after every time i cried, my eyes never get immune and stop getting swollen.

what i am really sick of is facing this blog page with a heavy heart, blogging things out & feeling every part of my heart sink in sorrows which at this point, i dont even know does it exist or am i just making a sea out of a drain of rain water.

help?

who will

the more i try to understand people, the less i know about myself.

coming to think of it; why try so hard?

who on the other end will try to at least understand me then?

no one i can assure you. then i'll have to come back feeling tired about things and try comforting myself & telling myself is okay.

seriously, i am getting tired of this. trying to be understanding and rational. it never really did help me feel better about myself.

showing no sign

i need to express my feelings in a healthy way.

used to think keeping quiet works. but it never really did work.

not when it keeps replaying in your head.

so many things hidden in a person. sorrow, jealousy, envy, stress, depression & i dont know what more is adding to the list.